Earlier this week we got a very nice newsletter from our friends over at Parlor Skis. The title was “time to get your body winter-ready”. They outlined some activities you should do while preparing for ski season; hiking, stretching, etc, which is nice. They’re right about the timing, but your goal shouldn’t be to get your body winter-ready, no, it should be to make sure your winter-body is ready. Here is our 5 step process to make sure you’re good to go when the snow starts to fly! (disclosure: when googling “fat bears” make sure safe search is on)
5. Binge Eating
Hey, bears can do it, why cant we? The goal here is to start eating as much as humanly possible over the next 75 days. You can start by carbo loading. Gluten free? We dont care, eat that bagel. Second, lots of dairy. If you’re lactose intolerant we feel even worse for you. Go to your local cheese store and buy out all their inventory, don’t worry about the cost. Remember, even if there isn’t a price tag on the entire block of cheese, they will still sell it to you.
4. Binge Watching
Time to catch up on all those critically acclaimed ski films out there. We’re not talking about such epic fantasies as La Nina or Art of Flight. All that will do is remind you how much better other people are at our sports than us. No, we’re talking about the Emmy award winning flicks like Ski Patrol, Out Cold, and Aspen Extreme. Top Gun on the slopes anyone? Make sure you have those one liners ready to go come December so you have something to talk about with your friends.
It’s important to note that more layers mean you can hide all the extremely important body fat you have accumulated to get you through those cold dark nights. Think 2 is enough? Better make it 3. If you’re a size M now you need to be in the XXL range by Christmas. Maybe try out one of Till I Die’s new hoodies and a Parlor tee. Just be sure to get them in “larger than you are now” sizing.
2. Hot Tubbing
This one is critical. If you’re in a hot tub you cant see anything below the water line. The key here is to make sure the jets are working properly and you have disconnected all the exterior lighting. Why do you think everyone goes on first dates in dimly lit bars? Same theory applies here. Pro tip, get a floating table for hot tub pizza.
1. Make room in your fridge.
Finish all the White Claws you’ve been hoarding all summer. In winter we drink IPAs, PBR’s, and dark booze. No laws with the claws? More like you’re in danger when you drink the Jager. We like to live dangerously.
Killington kicks off snow making in 2 1/2 months so you have some time to begin your regiments. Any questions about strategy and best practices please inquire within. Good luck and God speed.