**DISCLAIMER** The first text message I got this AM was at 6:15 from Mr. Vermont (see: Instagram post from Tuesday). Apparently Powder literally featured this same article that I am posting now – you can read it here. As I spent a good 37 minutes of my life writing this on Wednesday I am still going to post my article as this is a prime example of how challenging it is to come up with original shit in our industry. Powder, I’m sorry. Plus I think it’s hysterical. I did not read their article, which I am sure is better than mine, to avoid a conflict of interest… all Mr. Vermont told me when I inquired about theirs was him telling me, “it was cleaner”. Well, enjoy the dirty X rated version I guess!
We live in 2 very different worlds within the same universe. There is real life. Then there is the skiers version of real life. And a lot of times those 2 worlds collide and it’s easy to misinterpret what someone from the ski world means versus what someone from real life THINKS they mean. Here are the top 9 examples:
1.) I’m Easy
IRL this would imply that you have a casual attitude about sexual partners complete with loose morals and a dignity that points due south. On the mountain this simply shows you the easiest way to get down the mountain, usually accompanied with a sign that has a green circle on it… and a lot of first timers snowplowing their way down the hill. You can purchase your very own “Im Easy” tshirt here. An appropriate wardrobe decision to bridge the gap between skier life and real life.
2.) Rear entry
This one is pretty self-explanatory. When approaching the 400 level curriculum and posing the question the idea is confronted with extreme results. It’s either a profound yes or a definitive no. And we don’t mean coming through the rear door of the house. In ski life though rear entry was the staple for every kid on the hill learning to ski. They were introductory boots that everyone had and now those things are legendary… I guess both recollections of what rear entry means could be the stuff of legend. As fate would have it, we also sell Rear Entry tshirts!
3.) Double Pole Plant
Youporn, Pornhub, and probably any other internet porn site out there generally will have this as one of the features on the home page. In skiers terms sometimes you need to get a good push off to really go full send.
4.) Pole Wacking
Mom sends you to your room and right to the internet you go. You disgust me. In other news, when you can’t see over the cornice and you just need that little bit better of a vantage point, you must pole wack. It’s healthy and prevents prostate cancer.
5.) 3” Never Felt So Good
I don’t think anyone has ever said this in the history of sex. Ever. But on the mountain? After a year like the East Coast had?! 3” never felt so good. Actually, skiers aren’t picky and will usually take what they can get.
6.) We Got Dumped On
Like poop? Someone pooped on you? I was at a party one time in college… went upstairs to use the bathroom and someone had literally wrote poop on the wall in poop. It wasn’t my house. But on the hill this is a good thing, a very good thing. To be dumped on means we got a shit ton of snow. Game of Thrones is a great name for a ski trail.
7.) Rip Some Lines
I’m Rick James bitch. But skiers rip lines off cliffs, through trees, down double black diamonds, over the river, through the woods, down the mountain, and into the bar.
After we all moved out of the house, Mom and Dad started their own antiquing business. Cute. Now they spend their weekends headed out to yardsales to re-purchase other peoples useless shit and storing it in our garage, which looks like it came out of an episode of Hoarders. In a skiers version of a yardsale you generally lose more than you gain and looks something like this.
9.) She’s Got Some Nice Bumps
Inappropriate way to talk about your sister, bro. But generally when one refers to a mountain it is with the pronoun, she. I don’t know why, that’s just the way it is. And the day after a nice dump, or some soft snow, she’ll always end up with some nice bumps in all the right places.
Listen, I’m sure there are dozens more but I have a really short attention span and I need to go hit some bumps and rip some lines because shes a bad bitch and it’s about to be dumping everywhere out there.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone, cheers!